Movie Review: Tristan & Isolde (animated)

Let's ignore for a moment the absolutely terrible CGI animation (the age of the movie is no excuse, as it came out after such CGI masterpieces as Shrek, Toy Story and even Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within), and the truly laughable voice acting (Isolde switches between an American, Irish and even Swedish accent with every other sentence). Let's also ignore the "plucky" animal sprite that can see the future and spouts words like "nuclear" and "supersonic" and uses phrases like "law of gravity" and "law of physics" while simultaneously ruining the main hero's chances of handling ANYTHING on his own.

Let's instead focus on the fact that Thierry Schiel and Mike Carey completely butchered anything relating to the actual "love story" of Tristan and Isolde. In this story, Tristan volunteers to save his uncle's kingdom from Isolde's "evil" father, not realizing that the man was his uncle at the time. This, of course, ruins the actual bad guy's plan of killing the king and taking over the kingdom. Not only does Tristan prevent the kingdom from going to war, he also presents the threat of being the one to take over the kingdom should the king die (ridiculous, since Tristan's father is alive and well...interesting that NO ONE in the kingdom seemed to know this...and Tristan's father is some sort of lord or king (it's not explained too well) not too far away).

Tristan fights and defeats the champion of the opposing nation, only to get himself poisoned. The animal sprite is quick to send him on his way to Irlandis, to Isolde, even after telling him to avoid doing this exact thing. Tristan fakes a name when he finds out that Isolde is the niece (a far cry from the fiance in the original story) of the man he defeated. Of course, this happens as he's LAYING NAKED in Isolde's bed, a fact that she mentions laughing and he confirms by pulling up the sheets and looking disgustedly at his naked form (...this is a children's movie?). His visit ends with him being healed and breaking into a completely random romantic song with Isolde in her garden, before being banished...because the animal sprite, in an effort to "save Tristan from himself," forces her to realize Tristan is the man who defeated her uncle. As a lover of musicals and Disney movies, I was surprised by the song simply because it is the ONLY song in the entire movie. There isn't even real battle music during the fight scenes! This scene also killed me as Tristan called her "Is-old" several times, when she is referred to as "Is-old-ah" for every other scene.

Tristan returns home to a parade, and to find that the king has been convinced by his evil adviser to marry Isolde himself. He's sent back to Irlandis to obtain Isolde and a peace treaty, even though he has a bounty on his head. Apparently Tristan is too much of a chicken to talk to his uncle at all about the fact that he's in love with Isolde AND he's going to be killed if he returns to Irlandis. Of course, fate steps in and instead he restores Isolde's father to king-status by killing a dragon and stealing back the crown of the former king. A completely irrelevant plot point with the exception of the fact that it gets him in good with the man who had banished him.

Here we're introduced to the only female character besides Isolde and her maid. What I can only guess is her mother, as she's wearing a crown and is referred to as Queen by the maid she is conspiring with, interferes with everything by handing over a love potion intended to clearly muck up the works even more, making Isolde fall in love with Tristan's uncle. Then she disappears...and Isolde's entire kingdom becomes an afterthought to everyone BUT the evil bad guy. And of course, Tristan and Isolde end up drinking the love potion...causing them to fall in love even more? Or something? What was a valid plot device in the original story (Isolde and Tristan hated each other after all) becomes useless and unnecessary. I honestly don't know why they even kept it in the story after all the OTHER changes they made.

From here, the story reaches its expected end, with the great battle between Tristan and the actual bad guy (let's see, the champion, Isolde's dad, the dragon and now this guy, he sure is accomplishing a lot in a short period of time), the uncle coming to his senses and Tristan and Isolde living happily ever after. Not that I expected them to keep the original ending (very Romeo and Juliet with everyone dying), but this sugar-coated nonsense was a little ridiculous. If the king hadn't come to his senses, and actually confronted Tristan about his feelings, the poor would-be-hero would still be floundering about trying to talk about anything other than becoming a knight.

I'm not sure why the French decided to make this animated monstrosity, but I can see why it wasn't released into the US until 8 years later, straight onto DVD. American audiences would've laughed this out of the theater and I'd be surprised if it sold more than a handful of copies here at all. It almost hurt to watch, and I'm sure I could've produced something better for half the cost.

Until next time!

Being the Wife of a Part-Time Performer

My husband and I have many similar interests. We love video games, baseball, and cats. We enjoy movies and board games of all kinds. 80's and 90's TV shows? We eagerly await each new DVD or Netflix release. However, there is one area where we differ vastly. My husband is a social butterfly and I am...whatever the opposite of a social butterfly is. The more people at a party, the happier he is - while I very much prefer a night of drinking with one or two friends while watching a movie, if not an evening by myself reading.

When Adam learned there was an active open-mic comedy group around our area, he was ecstatic. It was something he had always wanted to try. For me, just the thought of HIM being on the stage is nauseating, let alone the thought of ever doing it myself. It wasn't long before he had gotten in good with open-mic crowd and was attending open-mic nights in Virginia Beach and Richmond by request. He was very good with very little work.

I can't say this hasn't caused a little jealousy among the other local comedians. Some of them do this sort of thing, in their minds, full time - working meaningless jobs at McDonald's or Target, making just enough to get them from one comedy house to another. Adam works a corporate day job, thinks up a couple bits over a few days, and performs once or twice a week. And yet, within the first month, he was already being asked to do paid performances, every comedian's ultimate goal. Not that it's been "good" money, definitely not something he would ever consider quitting his day job for, but enough that it's made some people angry and jealous.

Adam had been doing comedy clubs for a little over a year and a half when he was asked recently to take over a trivia gig for one of his comedian buddies while he was out of town. Two months later, when his friend returned, the owner of the company gave Adam his own locations three nights a week, going so far as to sign a new bar to a contract just so Adam could have a third night. These are simple gigs: he shows up at a bar, sets up his sound system, and reads questions. Adam, being who he is, riffs off the questions, the energy in the room, and the people participating in the games. Everyone has a fun night, and Adam walks away with at least $75 a night, more than he made when he'd host big name comedians that came into the local comedy club for weekend shows.

On the one hand, this has been fantastic. It's added to our income to the point where I don't need to go back to work, Adam has his need for performance satisfied, and I don't have to listen to him try out new bits on me every time we talk (honestly, there'd be times where I'd stop him mid-story and ask if it was a new bit...when he'd respond yes, I'd tell him I'd much rather talk to my husband and not the comedian). On the other, I am home alone...a lot. During the days while he's at work, he'll pop in to share a 10-minute lunch with me, but three days a week, that's all I'll see him until close to midnight. There are times when it becomes almost unbearable, and I enjoy being alone.

It makes me wonder about those wives of travelling comedians or musicians, ones who are in a new city every night. They see their husbands even less than I do, so what on earth are they doing to stay sane? Is it perhaps our opposite personalities that cause this feeling? If I was a more outgoing type, the type that would be comfortable going with him and working the crowd while he's performing, would the situation be easier? Or perhaps if I was better at making friends through more than the computer?

Sometimes it's very hard to be the quiet little wife of the man on stage, the one promptly forgotten by everyone as soon as he steps into the light. All-in-all, I'm really proud of my husband and I'm glad that people seem to love him as much as they do, but I won't be too sad when he hangs up his part-time performance hat and settles down into the corporate lifestyle he also fits so well.